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CheerUp Ecards
Sometimes people aren’t very happy and this can be very boring and tedious. One thing you can do is send them a wrongcard to make them feel better. If this doesn’t help them cheer up a little you can also send them along razor blades or sleeping pills. However, the postage can be expensive and it might later raise a few eyebrows down at the coroner’s office so we recommend you try sending them a wrongcard first.
One thing I will say about these ecards is: they’re certainly ecards. Are they useful, though? Well, I mean … they’re free to send, so from that perspective. Then again, there are some cards here that celebrate cruelty to clowns. Some have pictures of people about to be eaten by a pterodactyl, and I’m pretty sure Hallmark doesn’t, so we’re ahead of them there. My favorite? The one instructing the recipient to cheer up, because at least they’re not paralyzed and being slowly eaten by domestic cats. Because - from a certain perspective - that’s a nice sentiment, really.
happy like me
I am talented at two things: training wasps to perform tricks, and volunteering. I'm so good at the latter that when I volunteered at the local Suicide Hotline, people stopped calling. My secret? I'd teach my callers how to train wasps. Worked like a charm, too. They would hang up, sobbing with gratitude. My point? Be inspirational! But also maintain an squadron or two of highly-trained wasps.
when they came for the clowns
My feelings about clowns are finally entering the mainstream; Stephen King just put out a documentary called 'IT', which has been very well received, and my Monday evening 'Clown Awareness' circle has grown to more than seven members (if counting my own dissociated personalities is permitted). So I feel good. And you could feel good too, because you know what else? I'M BACK.
identity issues
So the story behind this card is that I was walking near the zoo early this morning when a gorilla escaped its enclosure. I had the good fortune to be eating a toffee apple, which the gorilla had a particular fondness for, so we shared the toffee, had a bit of a heart to heart and then, in a newly restored state of mental calm, the gorilla legged it back over the wall into the zoo. BTW if it doesn't rain on Thursday we're both going swimming!
pterodactyl
The worst thing about people being sad is the way they try to make you the scapegoat. 'I am sad because of you. I am sad because I don't have a sofa anymore. I am sad because we had to call fire-fighters to the house.' My point here is that people wouldn't need to feel sad if they didn't buy brown sofas in the first place. Here is an ecard with a pterodactyl on it.
life can be so sad
Sometimes I play this videogame called The Sims and the little people keep having emotional breakdowns and wind up defecating in their neighbor's kitchens at 3am, or entering other Sim's bedrooms to watch them make-out while they daydream about nachos. God is playing 7 billion games of The Sims. Man, that sure is a lot of thoughts about nachos.
shadowy truth
People sometimes feel bad about things and I blame the media, and also spider monkeys. Everybody puts such an emphasis on bad things happening everywhere but a lot of good things happen that don't get reported on. Each year thousands of circus clowns go missing. If you happen to have information about clown disappearances near you, remember: discretion is everything.
redacted
I guess I was born to cheer people up. When someone is sad I remind them that they could die at any moment, perhaps at the hand of a someone they know, who pays for axes with cash, and is, moreover, familiar with the floor plan of their house. God clearly wants us all to be happy, so am I an act of God? I don't know, the Vatican is still ignoring my letters. Nice bureaucracy, guys.
badly calibrated
One of the things that makes apologizing so enjoyable is that people always believe me. Once I set fire to someone's couch and, even though I was doing them a huge favor (it had a floral print), things were tense until I said sorry. That's why it's childish not to say sorry. Next week I'm setting fire to their new couch because it's brown and I'll say sorry again. Maturity doesn't mean 'boring'.
slug life
Sometimes other people feel sad, either because they're feeling under the weather or because they've lost their wallet or even their their arm during a tragic misunderstanding in a game of monopoly. As a general rule when people feel down we all try to help them feel better. It's a societal rule. Without societal rules society would fall apart and nobody would ever deserve chocolate pudding.
bad news
'Why did you just take a photo of me?' he asked. 'Who knows why I do anything?' I replied. 'Just don't be putting me in any more wrongcards.' 'I would never do that,' I said firmly. 'You did one that said I smoked weed at work.' 'Maybe it was your imaginary friend,' I said. 'I don't have one,' he replied. 'Funny you should think that...'
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